I am sitting in my Grandmothers house, the day after her Wake and Memorial Service. I am sitting here looking around at the house that I once lived in. The house that was filled with her presence. The house that was always a comfort. The house that became a safe place for me when I was a teen. I moved to a different school when I moved into this house. I met my best friend. My soul sister. My sister from another mother. A mother that was also very motherly to me. I sit here and think about seeing my grandmother laying in a casket, finally looking at peace. Finally free from all the pain and hurt and suffering she was going through. Its strange, as humans we hurt so bad, even when seeing her at peace, we selfishly want her back. I want to hear her laugh again. I have so much I wanted to say that I never even realized I wanted to say…because I thought I would have time. But I didn’t.
I know she knows how much I love her. I know she is where she needs to be. I know she is where she knew she would be. I know she is waiting and will be one of my loved ones who will greet me when it is my time someday. She has come to me in my dreams, and it has been such a great thing. In between my PTSD nightmares, I now have my grandmother to sneak in to help me a little when I go to sleep and suffer my worst memories at night. She now is able to help me have some peace when I lay down at night and close my eyes. She is truly an angel. I want her here with me…and God has blessed me with an angel to be with me at night to add some light to my darkness.
Seeing family and friends has been bittersweet. I will be sad to leave, I will be sad to go home and know that I can never return to walk through these doors again. To walk through these doors again and sit down with my grandmother and talk. To sit at the table and have her offer me water, coffee, tea, or food. It breaks my heart, but I know she is at peace. And though I will hurt and grieve, I am beyond blessed to have had her be here when she was. And to have someone so hard to lose.
Rest In Peace Grandma Mahoney. Thank you for being an angel here on earth, and now in Heaven.
XOXO – Amber