To the married free spirit

It’s ok to want to be alone. You aren’t strange. There’s nothing wrong with you.

I made my decisions at a young age. I screwed up early, I broke down early, I built back up early, I fell in love early, got married early, became a mother early. I am still figuring myself out, and that’s ok.

My biggest debate, if you will, is my free spirit. I am learning to juggle married life, motherhood, and being free. I’m a big city loving, lonely road trip taking, drowning sorrows in alcohol instead of talking, venting to my notebook, trusting only myself kind of girl. How does that fit into marraige?

Well…. it doesn’t.

But guess what?

That’s ok.

Recently I took a trip to Philly with my parents and little sister to sight see and look through art museums. The second I laid eyes on the city, my heart broke. I was so excited for this trip.. I had planned it out, looked through websites for local attractions and good places to get pictures, counted down the days. And my heart broke.

It felt as if I had been gone for my entire life and finally came home. The feeling was so overwhelming.

I felt like a teenager again. Free and alone and with endless possibilities. I looked out on the city from the rooftop of our hotel and it made me feel something that I missed. Small. I love to see and realize how tiny I am in the grand scheme of things, amongst the entire world. I find so much inspiration and peace in those moments. It’s complete clarity and serenity for me.

I adore my family. I love my home. I would never change it. But there is a piece of me that will forever be among the skyscrapers, in a little coffee shop with live acoustic music, with my nose in a book and my head in the clouds.

That may be absolutely everything my husband hates (it quite literally is actually) but I didn’t get married to become someone else. I didn’t get married to lose myself. My husband didn’t ask for my hand to make me some female version of himself. He, even though I am his opposite, found a love for me that I would be so terribly wrong to alter.

I found myself depressed that weekend. Caught between all the things that had pieces of my heart. And I realized.. it’s ok. That doesn’t make me any less of a wife or mother. I am a passionate soul. A dreamer. A writer. I see beautiful things where other people see dirt. That’s what he found that he loved. And that’s why.. it’s ok to be the married free spirit. He wanted to see you fly like you always have, just as long as you fly home to him every time.

❤ Alena

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