To the married free spirit

It’s ok to want to be alone. You aren’t strange. There’s nothing wrong with you.

I made my decisions at a young age. I screwed up early, I broke down early, I built back up early, I fell in love early, got married early, became a mother early. I am still figuring myself out, and that’s ok.

My biggest debate, if you will, is my free spirit. I am learning to juggle married life, motherhood, and being free. I’m a big city loving, lonely road trip taking, drowning sorrows in alcohol instead of talking, venting to my notebook, trusting only myself kind of girl. How does that fit into marraige?

Well…. it doesn’t.

But guess what?

That’s ok.

Recently I took a trip to Philly with my parents and little sister to sight see and look through art museums. The second I laid eyes on the city, my heart broke. I was so excited for this trip.. I had planned it out, looked through websites for local attractions and good places to get pictures, counted down the days. And my heart broke.

It felt as if I had been gone for my entire life and finally came home. The feeling was so overwhelming.

I felt like a teenager again. Free and alone and with endless possibilities. I looked out on the city from the rooftop of our hotel and it made me feel something that I missed. Small. I love to see and realize how tiny I am in the grand scheme of things, amongst the entire world. I find so much inspiration and peace in those moments. It’s complete clarity and serenity for me.

I adore my family. I love my home. I would never change it. But there is a piece of me that will forever be among the skyscrapers, in a little coffee shop with live acoustic music, with my nose in a book and my head in the clouds.

That may be absolutely everything my husband hates (it quite literally is actually) but I didn’t get married to become someone else. I didn’t get married to lose myself. My husband didn’t ask for my hand to make me some female version of himself. He, even though I am his opposite, found a love for me that I would be so terribly wrong to alter.

I found myself depressed that weekend. Caught between all the things that had pieces of my heart. And I realized.. it’s ok. That doesn’t make me any less of a wife or mother. I am a passionate soul. A dreamer. A writer. I see beautiful things where other people see dirt. That’s what he found that he loved. And that’s why.. it’s ok to be the married free spirit. He wanted to see you fly like you always have, just as long as you fly home to him every time.

❤ Alena



Finally At Peace…

I am sitting in my Grandmothers house, the day after her Wake and Memorial Service. I am sitting here looking around at the house that I once lived in. The house that was filled with her presence. The house that was always a comfort. The house that became a safe place for me when I was a teen. I moved to a different school when I moved into this house. I met my best friend. My soul sister. My sister from another mother. A mother that was also very motherly to me. I sit here and think about seeing my grandmother laying in a casket, finally looking at peace. Finally free from all the pain and hurt and suffering she was going through. Its strange, as humans we hurt so bad, even when seeing her at peace, we selfishly want her back. I want to hear her laugh again. I have so much I wanted to say that I never even realized I wanted to say…because I thought I would have time. But I didn’t.

I know she knows how much I love her. I know she is where she needs to be. I know she is where she knew she would be. I know she is waiting and will be one of my loved ones who will greet me when it is my time someday. She has come to me in my dreams, and it has been such a great thing. In between my PTSD nightmares, I now have my grandmother to sneak in to help me a little when I go to sleep and suffer my worst memories at night. She now is able to help me have some peace when I lay down at night and close my eyes. She is truly an angel. I want her here with me…and God has blessed me with an angel to be with me at night to add some light to my darkness.

Seeing family and friends has been bittersweet. I will be sad to leave, I will be sad to go home and know that I can never return to walk through these doors again. To walk through these doors again and sit down with my grandmother and talk. To sit at the table and  have her offer me water, coffee, tea, or food. It breaks my heart, but I know she is at peace. And though I will hurt and grieve, I am beyond blessed to have had her be here when she was. And to have someone so hard to lose.



Rest In Peace Grandma Mahoney. Thank you for being an angel here on earth, and now in Heaven.


XOXO – Amber

My Grandmother…My Angel

I sit in Moe’s parking lot waiting for jeff when to get out of court.

I am so upset and frustrated knowing that when I go home to say goodbye to my gramma, my family is already fighting and at war. It’s a really odd concept that my family would still choose to be angry with each other after they lost someone and realize how precious life is, and yet they feel entitled to tomorrow. I am going for my gramma. I am going because she is someone who made a huge impact on my life. I am going because I didn’t get to be there when she passed away, to say goodbye. I waited too long. I took time for granted and for selfish reasons did not call her in time. When I did call her, it was too late. She couldn’t talk. Was that my punishment or reality check for the fact that I too always thought I could call her “tomorrow” ? When tomorrow came, it was too late. Tomorrow decided that it was not going to be kind to me. Tomorrow decided that I waited too long and now I would not have to wait anymore, but I would learn a lesson about waiting for tomorrow and grieve the loss of a chance to have that final conversation with my grandmother. Had I known my last conversation was going to be my last conversation I would have said more than I did. I would have told her I loved her more that I already had. I would tell her why again and again. I would tell her that I was the lucky and blessed one to have her in my life. To have her to help raise me during one of the most difficult times in a teens life. I would have memorized her laugh, her words, her tone. I would have made sure that the conversation would continue for as long as I could. I would have put everything else on hold and focused solely on that conversation. I knew she was dying. I knew she was not well. I didn’t know I wouldn’t have one more chance though. I had it in my head what I would have said, but I didn’t pick up the phone to tell her…until it was too late.

To say my heart is broken is an understatement. To say I am sad is just a quarter of what I am feeling. I am angry I didn’t call her. I am sad I didn’t tell her how I felt and how much I loved her again. I know I told her, I know she knew, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have heard it again. It doesn’t mean I didn’t selfishly want to hear her words to me. I still can not believe she is gone. That when I go to her house she wont be there. That she wont be sitting at her table watching her shows. Or sitting in her chair watching her shows or napping. She wont be feeding the neighborhood squirrels left overs. My father and uncle once said she fed the squirrels better than she did them. Maybe that should have told them something. My grandmother loved with all of her heart. She stuck true to her beliefs and her faith and never let anyone shake that. This was inspiring. To have people tell her there is no God and to listen to their reasoning, she would simply say she was sorry they felt that way. She did not judge. She did not treat people unkind. Regardless of how she was treated, she treated people the way she felt people should be treated. She felt people should be treated with kindness and also love regardless of how people acted or what they believed. She did have times that she did get angry and decide it was for the best that she no longer had contact with them. That was her right. And this was also a way that she was able to not speak ill of them or to fuel and hatred. This is something that takes dedication. it takes practice. It is something I still struggle with.

Today I struggle with her being gone. With her no longer being able to laugh at something I say, or call me baby girl. I struggle that she suffered so much at the end and while I wanted the Lord to take her home, I selfishly wanted her healed and back with us. She never once wavered at the thought of dying. She was certain she would go when it was her time and there was no use worrying about it. This is also something I am in awe of. To have faith so strong that she did not bat an eye when it came to the lord taking her home. Something I cried about and probably others too, she would tell us she was ready when ever the lord felt it was her time. She seemed to treat her impending death as if it weren’t anything to be concerned about, but something that was just another part of life. Which it is. But for those of us , left behind, grieving her loss, but also being happy she is at peace, it is an uncomfortable part of life we could not see the same way she did. It left a void. A hole. A pain so sharp it felt like our hearts literally broke.

I know I have an angel watching over me now, and I know I will see her again someday, but the pain is still raw. The loss is still painful. The tears are still being shed. She is a woman I could never forget, and an angel I will always have. And I truly thank god for that.


xoxo – Amber






Isn’t anyone else atleast kinda worried about the new year??

I am pretty torn about this whole 2017 thing. Everyone seems to be pretty optimistic but maybe that just isn’t a strength of mine. 2016 wasn’t really the best, but there was definitely worse. Maybe like a 2016.0 or something would be better? Not that I really have a choice but there are a few concerning points I need to make. And of course, some pretty fantastic ones.


1) I think odd numbered years really aren’t my thing. Why? I don’t even really know. BUT.. I don’t even really remember much of my odd numbered years, which is obviously a problem. No memories=no memory. Other than 2015 when my baby boy was born. Best day, by far. Other than severe pain and yadayadayada.

2) typically I am very big on the new years “magic.” I go pretty heavy on the news years resolutions and leaving the past in the past and focusing on the positive changes. So normally I did this whole “what I want in the new year, I will ring in the new year with” thing. One year I wanted to focus on my faith, so, when the clock hit 12, I was spending time with God. And of course there’s the drunken teenage “omg I’m going to be with him forever so we’ll kiss at 12” thing which obviously didn’t go well. And “I’m going to enter the new year doing crazy things with my best friend that won’t ever leave me” thing.. also didn’t end well. This year.. I didn’t do that. So what is my focus on?

3) and on the complete serious side, I am broken. I made it through another year, but how in the world am I going to do this again without losing my sanity completely. Let alone, end up a better version of myself than before?

Fantastic things:

1) this woman, Amber. That’s all.

2) I rang in the new year doing something I have never done before. Dance. Anxiety is my prison cell. And I won’t lie, I always wished I had the courage to let loose and be free. Dance or sing or whatever my heart desires. It turns out I need orange crush drinks, fireball shots, and rum and coke. But man, was I ever free. I made a complete idiot of myself and I am still sore (4 days later) but that experience unlocked a part of my mind that I never could open before. A carefree, confidence that absolutely freed me. And bruised my tailbone…

3) with my new found courage, I have the ability to do anything. Not just make a fool of myself. But make a life that I am happy with, that I love, surrounding by people that make my heart happy.

4) I don’t know that this is a fantastic thing.. but I atleast still have one of my tights from that night. I mean… better than nothing, right??


So…. 2017.

I entered..

Dancing, with my soul mate and dance partner, laughing hysterically, with a bruised tailbone, one tight, and mixed feelings about odd numbered years.

Bring it on.

Break Dancing Deer

So tonight, as I drove to get my son from daycare, trying to make it there in time, while still driving under the speed limit because 1. it was foggy and 2. there are a lot of deer out here. and 3. I don’t drive well with fog and stupid drivers, I hit a deer.

I have never hit a deer. EVER. I am always on the look out. Ever since I was little and my mom flipped her jeep to avoid a deer, and my grandmother would take us driving around at night with a spot light to see the deer in packs at night, I have always tried to be extra vigilant. Tonight, I was not able to safely stop in time. So I hit a deer. I was a wreck. I was surprised the thoughts that went through my head before I even got out of my van. I parked the van, put on my hazards, and got out to see if the deer was still breathing. A vehicle passed me, and then pulled over once he saw why I stopped. I got our to assess the deer, and saw the deer was still breathing. My first thought was (not even kidding) “Should I comfort the deer until an ambulance or someone from animal control shows up?.”  That’s when the guy who stopped brought my attention back to reality.He told me I should call 911. So I called 911 as the deer laid there, breathing, but not moving…until dispatch answered and I told them the situation, I was LITERALLY on the border between Frederick county and washington county so that took some explaining. I told the dispatcher the deer was starting to move.

As this deer started to move, it resembled a breakdancing deer…if there were such a thing. After enough spinning in circles on its side, the deer tried to get up. It could not give up. I was giving the dispatch details and found myself asking if I should try to keep the deer where it was at. The dispatcher asked how I would do that, and I replied “I could sit on it  or something” where she replied to not get too close to the WILD animal  in a tone that told me she had not heard this often. She did emphasise WILD. The deer then finally got up, fell over in a “I’m drunk, what happened to my legs?” multiple times and ran into the woods. Relieved, I told dispatch the deer ran off. After I told dispatch this, it came back, falling down multiple times. I heard others who stopped to see what was going on asking if we should hold the deer down. In retrospect maybe I should have spoken more to these people because they had the same idea that I did. I was worried about the deer, I did not want it to suffer if it was going to die but I also did not want it to keep drunkenly running back and forth across the road, in the fog, as it was doing now. So I was told to wait til both animal control and an officer showed up.

I luckily had two decent people who stayed with me until the animal control person showed up. (not that the others weren’t decent!) Thankfully the deer did not run back into the road in the ten minutes that had passed. I decided to believe the deer ran off and lived happily ever after…Then I found myself thinking about the The Bloggess and how she may actually think this deer was super cute. Then I questioned my sanity and brushed it off. I don’t find the bloggess to be insane, I just didn’t know why I actually thought of her blog and book at this time.

Thankfully, or maybe un-thankfully, the animal control person did not find the deer, the state trooper had more important things to do, and I left to pick up my son from daycare, late.

It was a sad-ish night, but I did get to see a deer break dance (kinda), met some people, (I don’t know their names) and have to get my front bumper fixed.I made it safely home, and am glad that I am home.I only passed 4 deer on the way home and they did not run out in front of me. I am not sure if this was due to their awareness or the fact that maybe they could smell relative on my van…

Drive Safe People. And do not sit on deer.

xoxo – Amber


Happy New Years!


Happy New Year! Welcome to 2017! I rang in my New Year with my favorite dance partner, her husband, and my husband, We started out going to the American Legion for dinner. We are not rich people, so to go for a steak, baked potato, salad, and veggies for $12.00 was a pretty good start of the night. My husband then decided “Hey I hear about this place called the Furnace, we should go, they have a DJ” So my first thought was, The Furnice? This also is next to the zoo. So we get in the car after dinner and head to the zoo…I mean, the Furnace. When we walked in, everybody stared at us like we were, well, in a zoo. And we were the interesting animals from some exotic place. Alena and I had to pee so we made a b-line for the womans bathroom. This was a little comical, because when we got int here, it was just for ONE person. So we figured people would stare even more awkwardly when we left the bathroom. I am pretty sure at first we both wanted to hide in the bathroom. I wanted to do a Blair Witch type Facebook live from the bathroom, but then we thought that maybe we already were in there too long and someone else might have to use it. Aaaand they did. Apparently as soon as we went in someone went and was waiting by the door. This was just one of many trips to the bathroom of the night.

Alena does not feel comfortable dancing. So what does one do when no one will dance with you, (Although NO ONE is really dancing anyways) ?  Walk up to a girl who looks your age, and ask her to dance. YAY for that liquid confidence! After realizing dancing with a strange girl is actually really similar to a really awkward date…It ended quick with promises of future dancing. Well, as Alena has once told me, she would always dance with me so she decided to.

Let me explain one thing for those of you who don’t know me. I LOVE to dance. This does not mean I can dance, but in my head I am an awesome dancer. I am pretty sure everyone was staring at me because of how awesome I was (nothing to do with my crappy dance moves due to a swollen knee I tried to pretend wasn’t killing me). Because at one point before Alena dance with me and before I drug the girl I didn’t know out onto the dance floor, I was dancing alone. Yes. This is something I do often when I hear music and am nervous and anxious and such. This is my way of hiding under the table like some people do. This is my version of trying to blend in. Although I want to blend in, my brain (with the help of rum) decides that it is waaaay less awkward to make a fool out of yourself in front of strangers than it is to blend in. I am not a chameleon. I am more like a butterfly. One with strange moves and no coordination.

Anyway, while dancing with Alena, I punched her. Now normally this would not be something I do. But like I said, I am a very uncoordinated butterfly. And to be honest, it wasnt a punch as much as it was a poke. No blacks eyes though! SO YAY. Most people just want someone who doesn’t have 2 left feet…Alena probably wants someone who isn’t going to hit her int he face…Apparently our husbands found it funny.

We entered the new year without seeing Mariah Carey’s performance (or lack there of), and with out glitter (except for what I was wearing), with out light up tacky glasses, or shot glass necklaces, but we entered it having fun, and not caring what anyone else thought. To me, that is a great start to a New Year.

Here are some wishful thinking new years resolutions:


xoxo – Amber

The Massage That Never Happened

Remember that massage I was going to go get the other day? The one to De-stress me? IT NEVER HAPPENED! They canceled on me, last minute. That was the story of my day. Everything that could go wrong with certain things, did go wrong.  I guess not everything. But. Still.

My therapist did accept my gift, and by accept, I mean I left it in his office and refused to take it with me, because ethically he cant accept gifts. So I think there is this lost and found  and keep mentality there. I am not sure. One day he had a wrapped gift on his desk, the following week he had all his ducks in a row. LITERALLY. Someone bought him random ducks, and he lined those quackers up. I couldn’t focus, because I cant keep anything in a row, let alone my ducks, so he did kindly move them around for me during that session so I could focus and not complain that I sat in an office where there were LITERAL (toy) DUCKS IN A ROW.

So, I am moving on from that day. I am focusing on the New Year. We are having friends over…one may or may not be the other blogger on this site. We possibly may go out, or stay in. I feel like even though we are not old, we have somewhat boring lives. Im not 30 yet. So therefor, I should be going out and doing crazy things. Except, I would prefer to stay in and eat pizza, and drink cheap champagne and probably fall asleep before the ball even dropped.

Speaking of the ball drop. Is it just me, or does it seem like that ball takes almost a year to drop now that we are older. LONGEST BALL DROP EVER. I am getting old.

On an unrelated note, here are pictures of some cool things you should look at:

This was something in CVS. IT IS REAL PEOPLE. And it is pretty much for what you expect it to be for….minus the goat. 20161228_130404.jpg

img_19651.pngThis is possibly the worst IDEA EVER! I tried this, and I ended up having to drag my child into the house because he was totally going to jump into the fire to save AN EMPTY BOX! DON’T DO THIS. Maybe I suck as a parent, IDK. But I think a sucky parent would do this, after reading my results. I think next year instead of throwing it in a fire, I will just “donate it” to some place for a child who listens. Plus, I hate wrapping real gifts, so Why did I even bother to wrap a fake one?!

I am going to go watch Netflix and relax. I cant wait to tell everyone about my New Years Even. What do you all do for your new years eve?


xoxo- Amber