To the married free spirit

It’s ok to want to be alone. You aren’t strange. There’s nothing wrong with you.

I made my decisions at a young age. I screwed up early, I broke down early, I built back up early, I fell in love early, got married early, became a mother early. I am still figuring myself out, and that’s ok.

My biggest debate, if you will, is my free spirit. I am learning to juggle married life, motherhood, and being free. I’m a big city loving, lonely road trip taking, drowning sorrows in alcohol instead of talking, venting to my notebook, trusting only myself kind of girl. How does that fit into marraige?

Well…. it doesn’t.

But guess what?

That’s ok.

Recently I took a trip to Philly with my parents and little sister to sight see and look through art museums. The second I laid eyes on the city, my heart broke. I was so excited for this trip.. I had planned it out, looked through websites for local attractions and good places to get pictures, counted down the days. And my heart broke.

It felt as if I had been gone for my entire life and finally came home. The feeling was so overwhelming.

I felt like a teenager again. Free and alone and with endless possibilities. I looked out on the city from the rooftop of our hotel and it made me feel something that I missed. Small. I love to see and realize how tiny I am in the grand scheme of things, amongst the entire world. I find so much inspiration and peace in those moments. It’s complete clarity and serenity for me.

I adore my family. I love my home. I would never change it. But there is a piece of me that will forever be among the skyscrapers, in a little coffee shop with live acoustic music, with my nose in a book and my head in the clouds.

That may be absolutely everything my husband hates (it quite literally is actually) but I didn’t get married to become someone else. I didn’t get married to lose myself. My husband didn’t ask for my hand to make me some female version of himself. He, even though I am his opposite, found a love for me that I would be so terribly wrong to alter.

I found myself depressed that weekend. Caught between all the things that had pieces of my heart. And I realized.. it’s ok. That doesn’t make me any less of a wife or mother. I am a passionate soul. A dreamer. A writer. I see beautiful things where other people see dirt. That’s what he found that he loved. And that’s why.. it’s ok to be the married free spirit. He wanted to see you fly like you always have, just as long as you fly home to him every time.

❤ Alena

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Isn’t anyone else atleast kinda worried about the new year??

I am pretty torn about this whole 2017 thing. Everyone seems to be pretty optimistic but maybe that just isn’t a strength of mine. 2016 wasn’t really the best, but there was definitely worse. Maybe like a 2016.0 or something would be better? Not that I really have a choice but there are a few concerning points I need to make. And of course, some pretty fantastic ones.

Concerns:

1) I think odd numbered years really aren’t my thing. Why? I don’t even really know. BUT.. I don’t even really remember much of my odd numbered years, which is obviously a problem. No memories=no memory. Other than 2015 when my baby boy was born. Best day, by far. Other than severe pain and yadayadayada.

2) typically I am very big on the new years “magic.” I go pretty heavy on the news years resolutions and leaving the past in the past and focusing on the positive changes. So normally I did this whole “what I want in the new year, I will ring in the new year with” thing. One year I wanted to focus on my faith, so, when the clock hit 12, I was spending time with God. And of course there’s the drunken teenage “omg I’m going to be with him forever so we’ll kiss at 12” thing which obviously didn’t go well. And “I’m going to enter the new year doing crazy things with my best friend that won’t ever leave me” thing.. also didn’t end well. This year.. I didn’t do that. So what is my focus on?

3) and on the complete serious side, I am broken. I made it through another year, but how in the world am I going to do this again without losing my sanity completely. Let alone, end up a better version of myself than before?

Fantastic things:

1) this woman, Amber. That’s all.

2) I rang in the new year doing something I have never done before. Dance. Anxiety is my prison cell. And I won’t lie, I always wished I had the courage to let loose and be free. Dance or sing or whatever my heart desires. It turns out I need orange crush drinks, fireball shots, and rum and coke. But man, was I ever free. I made a complete idiot of myself and I am still sore (4 days later) but that experience unlocked a part of my mind that I never could open before. A carefree, confidence that absolutely freed me. And bruised my tailbone…

3) with my new found courage, I have the ability to do anything. Not just make a fool of myself. But make a life that I am happy with, that I love, surrounding by people that make my heart happy.

4) I don’t know that this is a fantastic thing.. but I atleast still have one of my tights from that night. I mean… better than nothing, right??

 

So…. 2017.

I entered..

Dancing, with my soul mate and dance partner, laughing hysterically, with a bruised tailbone, one tight, and mixed feelings about odd numbered years.

Bring it on.

Dance Partner (Nutcracker Side 2)

They say there are 2 sides to every story, right? In my opinion, that doesn’t always mean there is a right or wrong side; or a truthful or non-truthful side. People tell stories based on what they see, how it makes them feel, how it changes them. I am the person that gets life-changing epiphanies at the most random and seemingly non-monumental moments. This moment in time, the Nutcracker date, was just that for me. So… here’s my side:

Going out with friends is a pretty normal Saturday night thing, right? Wrong. Not for me. I got married, had a baby, all those life changing things and found that I lost all my friends along the way. Not only did I lose them but I felt that I was incapable of getting them back or that they wouldn’t want me back after the road that I took to get where I am. Needless to say, this “normal” double date thing, scared the living hell out of me. I was terrified. What if they don’t like me? What if I’m my normal super awkward self? What if my husband is a grump? What if I screw this up?  I went from “oh this will be so much fun” to “this is life or death, I’m done for” in a matter of minutes. It felt like I was jumping into a shark tank wearing floaties. I am not prepared to speak to adults. I talk to a 1 year old every day all day. What do adults even do together? What do they talk about? See how annoying that is? That’s my brain, every day. But anyway…

Amber gave you the Nutcracker details, white paint and all. So let’s skip that part. Somewhere in between all the laughter, the crab dip (best crab dip ever), walking around downtown Frederick, drinking too much, sharing our thoughts and crazy stories, I fell in love with this couple.

I believe in soulmates. And not just “lover” soulmates, I believe in 2 souls that were meant to find each other. For the purpose of survival, sanity, clarity, whatever. In those moments, my life and mindset were changing. I could feel it. It was an overwhelming joy, it was this feeling of finding something that I had been looking and looking for and almost gave up. But there it was. Right infront of me, the answer to the pain that I’ve felt, the loneliness I’ve felt because I couldn’t find someone that understood my past, the desperation I’ve accumulated over the years of fighting this alone. All that in this beautiful, blonde haired-fireball drinking-passenger side singing-crazy lady. How in the world did I live without her!? I realized that night that I don’t have to numb everything to escape my past. I have been searching for a way to get some sort of relief from my pain and the nightmares and the anxiety. I thought all along I had to cover it up, drown myself in alcohol, whatever I felt would numb it. I needed them. I needed my husband, Amber, and her husband. It clicked for me that night. And I will never forget it.

We may have frightened our husbands, annoyed the crap out of them, or both. But even when they look at us like we are out of our minds, I’ll still dance with you ❤