Finally At Peace…

I am sitting in my Grandmothers house, the day after her Wake and Memorial Service. I am sitting here looking around at the house that I once lived in. The house that was filled with her presence. The house that was always a comfort. The house that became a safe place for me when I was a teen. I moved to a different school when I moved into this house. I met my best friend. My soul sister. My sister from another mother. A mother that was also very motherly to me. I sit here and think about seeing my grandmother laying in a casket, finally looking at peace. Finally free from all the pain and hurt and suffering she was going through. Its strange, as humans we hurt so bad, even when seeing her at peace, we selfishly want her back. I want to hear her laugh again. I have so much I wanted to say that I never even realized I wanted to say…because I thought I would have time. But I didn’t.

I know she knows how much I love her. I know she is where she needs to be. I know she is where she knew she would be. I know she is waiting and will be one of my loved ones who will greet me when it is my time someday. She has come to me in my dreams, and it has been such a great thing. In between my PTSD nightmares, I now have my grandmother to sneak in to help me a little when I go to sleep and suffer my worst memories at night. She now is able to help me have some peace when I lay down at night and close my eyes. She is truly an angel. I want her here with me…and God has blessed me with an angel to be with me at night to add some light to my darkness.

Seeing family and friends has been bittersweet. I will be sad to leave, I will be sad to go home and know that I can never return to walk through these doors again. To walk through these doors again and sit down with my grandmother and talk. To sit at the table and  have her offer me water, coffee, tea, or food. It breaks my heart, but I know she is at peace. And though I will hurt and grieve, I am beyond blessed to have had her be here when she was. And to have someone so hard to lose.

 

 

Rest In Peace Grandma Mahoney. Thank you for being an angel here on earth, and now in Heaven.

 

XOXO – Amber

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My Grandmother…My Angel

I sit in Moe’s parking lot waiting for jeff when to get out of court.

I am so upset and frustrated knowing that when I go home to say goodbye to my gramma, my family is already fighting and at war. It’s a really odd concept that my family would still choose to be angry with each other after they lost someone and realize how precious life is, and yet they feel entitled to tomorrow. I am going for my gramma. I am going because she is someone who made a huge impact on my life. I am going because I didn’t get to be there when she passed away, to say goodbye. I waited too long. I took time for granted and for selfish reasons did not call her in time. When I did call her, it was too late. She couldn’t talk. Was that my punishment or reality check for the fact that I too always thought I could call her “tomorrow” ? When tomorrow came, it was too late. Tomorrow decided that it was not going to be kind to me. Tomorrow decided that I waited too long and now I would not have to wait anymore, but I would learn a lesson about waiting for tomorrow and grieve the loss of a chance to have that final conversation with my grandmother. Had I known my last conversation was going to be my last conversation I would have said more than I did. I would have told her I loved her more that I already had. I would tell her why again and again. I would tell her that I was the lucky and blessed one to have her in my life. To have her to help raise me during one of the most difficult times in a teens life. I would have memorized her laugh, her words, her tone. I would have made sure that the conversation would continue for as long as I could. I would have put everything else on hold and focused solely on that conversation. I knew she was dying. I knew she was not well. I didn’t know I wouldn’t have one more chance though. I had it in my head what I would have said, but I didn’t pick up the phone to tell her…until it was too late.

To say my heart is broken is an understatement. To say I am sad is just a quarter of what I am feeling. I am angry I didn’t call her. I am sad I didn’t tell her how I felt and how much I loved her again. I know I told her, I know she knew, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have heard it again. It doesn’t mean I didn’t selfishly want to hear her words to me. I still can not believe she is gone. That when I go to her house she wont be there. That she wont be sitting at her table watching her shows. Or sitting in her chair watching her shows or napping. She wont be feeding the neighborhood squirrels left overs. My father and uncle once said she fed the squirrels better than she did them. Maybe that should have told them something. My grandmother loved with all of her heart. She stuck true to her beliefs and her faith and never let anyone shake that. This was inspiring. To have people tell her there is no God and to listen to their reasoning, she would simply say she was sorry they felt that way. She did not judge. She did not treat people unkind. Regardless of how she was treated, she treated people the way she felt people should be treated. She felt people should be treated with kindness and also love regardless of how people acted or what they believed. She did have times that she did get angry and decide it was for the best that she no longer had contact with them. That was her right. And this was also a way that she was able to not speak ill of them or to fuel and hatred. This is something that takes dedication. it takes practice. It is something I still struggle with.

Today I struggle with her being gone. With her no longer being able to laugh at something I say, or call me baby girl. I struggle that she suffered so much at the end and while I wanted the Lord to take her home, I selfishly wanted her healed and back with us. She never once wavered at the thought of dying. She was certain she would go when it was her time and there was no use worrying about it. This is also something I am in awe of. To have faith so strong that she did not bat an eye when it came to the lord taking her home. Something I cried about and probably others too, she would tell us she was ready when ever the lord felt it was her time. She seemed to treat her impending death as if it weren’t anything to be concerned about, but something that was just another part of life. Which it is. But for those of us , left behind, grieving her loss, but also being happy she is at peace, it is an uncomfortable part of life we could not see the same way she did. It left a void. A hole. A pain so sharp it felt like our hearts literally broke.

I know I have an angel watching over me now, and I know I will see her again someday, but the pain is still raw. The loss is still painful. The tears are still being shed. She is a woman I could never forget, and an angel I will always have. And I truly thank god for that.

 

xoxo – Amber

 

 

 

 

 

Break Dancing Deer

So tonight, as I drove to get my son from daycare, trying to make it there in time, while still driving under the speed limit because 1. it was foggy and 2. there are a lot of deer out here. and 3. I don’t drive well with fog and stupid drivers, I hit a deer.

I have never hit a deer. EVER. I am always on the look out. Ever since I was little and my mom flipped her jeep to avoid a deer, and my grandmother would take us driving around at night with a spot light to see the deer in packs at night, I have always tried to be extra vigilant. Tonight, I was not able to safely stop in time. So I hit a deer. I was a wreck. I was surprised the thoughts that went through my head before I even got out of my van. I parked the van, put on my hazards, and got out to see if the deer was still breathing. A vehicle passed me, and then pulled over once he saw why I stopped. I got our to assess the deer, and saw the deer was still breathing. My first thought was (not even kidding) “Should I comfort the deer until an ambulance or someone from animal control shows up?.”  That’s when the guy who stopped brought my attention back to reality.He told me I should call 911. So I called 911 as the deer laid there, breathing, but not moving…until dispatch answered and I told them the situation, I was LITERALLY on the border between Frederick county and washington county so that took some explaining. I told the dispatcher the deer was starting to move.

As this deer started to move, it resembled a breakdancing deer…if there were such a thing. After enough spinning in circles on its side, the deer tried to get up. It could not give up. I was giving the dispatch details and found myself asking if I should try to keep the deer where it was at. The dispatcher asked how I would do that, and I replied “I could sit on it  or something” where she replied to not get too close to the WILD animal  in a tone that told me she had not heard this often. She did emphasise WILD. The deer then finally got up, fell over in a “I’m drunk, what happened to my legs?” multiple times and ran into the woods. Relieved, I told dispatch the deer ran off. After I told dispatch this, it came back, falling down multiple times. I heard others who stopped to see what was going on asking if we should hold the deer down. In retrospect maybe I should have spoken more to these people because they had the same idea that I did. I was worried about the deer, I did not want it to suffer if it was going to die but I also did not want it to keep drunkenly running back and forth across the road, in the fog, as it was doing now. So I was told to wait til both animal control and an officer showed up.

I luckily had two decent people who stayed with me until the animal control person showed up. (not that the others weren’t decent!) Thankfully the deer did not run back into the road in the ten minutes that had passed. I decided to believe the deer ran off and lived happily ever after…Then I found myself thinking about the The Bloggess and how she may actually think this deer was super cute. Then I questioned my sanity and brushed it off. I don’t find the bloggess to be insane, I just didn’t know why I actually thought of her blog and book at this time.

Thankfully, or maybe un-thankfully, the animal control person did not find the deer, the state trooper had more important things to do, and I left to pick up my son from daycare, late.

It was a sad-ish night, but I did get to see a deer break dance (kinda), met some people, (I don’t know their names) and have to get my front bumper fixed.I made it safely home, and am glad that I am home.I only passed 4 deer on the way home and they did not run out in front of me. I am not sure if this was due to their awareness or the fact that maybe they could smell relative on my van…

Drive Safe People. And do not sit on deer.

xoxo – Amber

 

The Massage That Never Happened

Remember that massage I was going to go get the other day? The one to De-stress me? IT NEVER HAPPENED! They canceled on me, last minute. That was the story of my day. Everything that could go wrong with certain things, did go wrong.  I guess not everything. But. Still.

My therapist did accept my gift, and by accept, I mean I left it in his office and refused to take it with me, because ethically he cant accept gifts. So I think there is this lost and found  and keep mentality there. I am not sure. One day he had a wrapped gift on his desk, the following week he had all his ducks in a row. LITERALLY. Someone bought him random ducks, and he lined those quackers up. I couldn’t focus, because I cant keep anything in a row, let alone my ducks, so he did kindly move them around for me during that session so I could focus and not complain that I sat in an office where there were LITERAL (toy) DUCKS IN A ROW.

So, I am moving on from that day. I am focusing on the New Year. We are having friends over…one may or may not be the other blogger on this site. We possibly may go out, or stay in. I feel like even though we are not old, we have somewhat boring lives. Im not 30 yet. So therefor, I should be going out and doing crazy things. Except, I would prefer to stay in and eat pizza, and drink cheap champagne and probably fall asleep before the ball even dropped.

Speaking of the ball drop. Is it just me, or does it seem like that ball takes almost a year to drop now that we are older. LONGEST BALL DROP EVER. I am getting old.

On an unrelated note, here are pictures of some cool things you should look at:

This was something in CVS. IT IS REAL PEOPLE. And it is pretty much for what you expect it to be for….minus the goat. 20161228_130404.jpg

img_19651.pngThis is possibly the worst IDEA EVER! I tried this, and I ended up having to drag my child into the house because he was totally going to jump into the fire to save AN EMPTY BOX! DON’T DO THIS. Maybe I suck as a parent, IDK. But I think a sucky parent would do this, after reading my results. I think next year instead of throwing it in a fire, I will just “donate it” to some place for a child who listens. Plus, I hate wrapping real gifts, so Why did I even bother to wrap a fake one?!

I am going to go watch Netflix and relax. I cant wait to tell everyone about my New Years Even. What do you all do for your new years eve?

 

xoxo- Amber

Reasons I am Going to Get a Massage Today

Today has been a weird day. One that has me stressed, frazzled and frozen. I’m trapped in my own mind and the weight of the world is on my shoulders. As I drove home, after deciding to buy my therapist a star wars candy dispenser, and succeeded in actually finding one, I realized that I was 1, going to have to leave it at his office and refuse any knowledge of where it came from. Hopefully a swat team wont be needed to open the box just in-case he indeed has some concerns about what is in the box. Then I will need even more therapy, and probably will be forced to find a new therapist. Sometimes being a giving person bites you in the butt. It makes you want to give people things, and sometimes those people do not know how to accept a gift, cant “ethically” accept a gift, or do not want your strange choice of gift. Really, this has nothing to do with my post, but its still important to type so you know how stressed I really am. Someone less stressed (my therapist says I am not crazy, that crazy people don’t know they are crazy….so all you people who don’t think you have issues are probably crazy, so don’t go judging me.  I am sorry you are just finding this out.) people would not think of odd things to buy on the way home and then realize they need someone to lift some of the weight that is on my shoulders.

This is where the massage part comes in. I received a gift certificate for a massage for Christmas from my husband….in 2013. I called the place and asked if it had expired and it did not. This was a sign to me. The fact that I even knew where it was was pure luck (ask my husband) and the fact that they had someone TODAY was also pretty coincidental! So I jumped up and down, realized my phone was dying and tried to plug MY SODA BOTTLE INTO MY CHARGER. That’s right. I tried to plug liquid into my phone charger. Apparently the universe thought a massage was maybe not all that I needed. I think maybe it thinks I need shock therapy or something. (Is that really still a thing though?)

My point to this entire post is that I am so stressed, and worn out that I am making very little sense, and also in need of a miracle. Or something. I don’t know. Anything at this point. Except shock therapy. I don’t need that. I wonder if my therapist read my blog if he would re-think my being crazy claim. Its probably just a line all therapists use. I think  I even read some where on a blog or book that someones therapist said the same to them. So either we aren’t crazy, and all you who don’t think you are , are crazy, or its just something therapists are forced to say.

Its been a long and tiring day…And as I write this post I just remembered I found out Carrie Fisher, Princess Leia  from Star Wars, died. I did not know this when I went to buy the Star Wars Candy dispenser. Now I wonder if I should just hide it. Because giving something like that to a Star Wars fan after a very sad death could make someone upset. Or something. I think its strange that I was like, Hey I should buy my therapist a Star Wars Candy dispenser (he likes star wars, he always uses instances from star wars to prove a point sometimes, and well, yea,…. and when I was little my therapist used to give me candy at the end of each session….so I thought that would be totally cool, its a win win) and after I buy it i see everywhere the the Princess has died. I’m not sure what the proper etiquette is when gifting a gift to someone who’s  favorite movie just had a big actress die in real life.

In all fairness it may not be his FAVORITE movie. He just happens to reference it a lot. I just wanted there to be a darn candy dispenser there so I could have candy when I was done with my session, and here I am wondering if I would upset my therapist.

Okay, this post is getting ridiculous and off point but I am going to leave it as is to show you what its like to be in my head and how I stress about everything and that is part of my anxiety disorder. It also creates different issues for different disorders I have  but, yeah.

So I’m going to get a massage today. And its going to be really stress relieving. I hope.

Also… RIP Carrie Fisher.

xoxo – Amber

And Then She Followed Me…

So I followed My newest favorite books author, Jenny Lawson, AKA The Bloggess , on twitter. I also let her know that I have read her book Furiously Happy 4 times now (read previous post), like you let all celebrities know…But THEN SHE FOLLOWED ME BACK! AND SHE LIKED MY POST.   *Funny yay dance here* I was super excited! I had to let everyone know, because this doesn’t happen to me often…or ever… and, well, I felt so lucky that someone I thought was normal, and had similar issues as I do, (plus some different) was down to earth enough to follow me! To even acknowledge me! And to me, that is awesome. She is no Taylor Swift, or some other super famous actress, but she is still JUST as awesome in my book.

So while I work on my next post, go buy her book, preferably on audible, because she narrates it herself, but buy it, read it, and then follow her on all the social media sites. She is like the best friend that doesn’t judge you. (You can never have too many) Not to mention, she has a lot of run ins with opossums, although that is not really necessarily something that may come in handy if you don’t normally have much contact with opossums, but it does guarantee a laugh or a good story when you need it most! Even if you just read it online, or hear it in a book.

 

xoxo-Amber

4 Times

4 Times is how many times I have listened to Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson.  I do not usually read or listen to a book more than once to be honest,  but I find myself going back to this book. 4 Times in fact. This book is hilarious.  I feel like if I knew her in real life, we would be good friends.

The book is ridiculously odd and strange at some parts, and that is what makes me go back to it. I laugh out loud and sometimes find myself realizing that I can relate to how she feels. I do not share the same love or obsession for taxidermy,  but I would not be opposed to having a smiling racoon  (taxidermied) in ny house. That would create a lot of interesting conversations to say the least. 

I also relate to her battle with anxiety, depression, sleep issues (probably not the same sleep issues, but still) and interesting thoughts. I find her writings about her time at her therapists office both funny and sometimes I find myself saying “Oh my goodness, me too!” (not about squirrels though) Then my husband looks at me strangely and I take my headphones out and play him the part I am listening to. This usually ends with an even stranger look and I tell him hes the weird one for not finding it funny. He probably then questions my sanity…even more than usual. 

When I hear her funny stories about things she does to or with her cats, I find myself remembering the times I would dress my cats up, feed them from a bottle, and occasionally put them in a pet carrier with a rope tied to it and use it as an elevator for them to get on and off the porch. (Ask my mom if you don’t believe me. I was full of imagination.) (also, no cats were harmed physically during this…) I am pretty sure they liked my makeshift elevator. Although, my mom and sister probably disagree. But really, what do they know about cats and their love of makeshift elevators.

If this post has not convinced you to go buy Furiously Happy, then you are definately going to miss out on a good laugh, and also understanding how courageous it is for someone to make something good out of something “bad” like depression. 

xoxo – Amber