Reasons I am Going to Get a Massage Today

Today has been a weird day. One that has me stressed, frazzled and frozen. I’m trapped in my own mind and the weight of the world is on my shoulders. As I drove home, after deciding to buy my therapist a star wars candy dispenser, and succeeded in actually finding one, I realized that I was 1, going to have to leave it at his office and refuse any knowledge of where it came from. Hopefully a swat team wont be needed to open the box just in-case he indeed has some concerns about what is in the box. Then I will need even more therapy, and probably will be forced to find a new therapist. Sometimes being a giving person bites you in the butt. It makes you want to give people things, and sometimes those people do not know how to accept a gift, cant “ethically” accept a gift, or do not want your strange choice of gift. Really, this has nothing to do with my post, but its still important to type so you know how stressed I really am. Someone less stressed (my therapist says I am not crazy, that crazy people don’t know they are crazy….so all you people who don’t think you have issues are probably crazy, so don’t go judging me.  I am sorry you are just finding this out.) people would not think of odd things to buy on the way home and then realize they need someone to lift some of the weight that is on my shoulders.

This is where the massage part comes in. I received a gift certificate for a massage for Christmas from my husband….in 2013. I called the place and asked if it had expired and it did not. This was a sign to me. The fact that I even knew where it was was pure luck (ask my husband) and the fact that they had someone TODAY was also pretty coincidental! So I jumped up and down, realized my phone was dying and tried to plug MY SODA BOTTLE INTO MY CHARGER. That’s right. I tried to plug liquid into my phone charger. Apparently the universe thought a massage was maybe not all that I needed. I think maybe it thinks I need shock therapy or something. (Is that really still a thing though?)

My point to this entire post is that I am so stressed, and worn out that I am making very little sense, and also in need of a miracle. Or something. I don’t know. Anything at this point. Except shock therapy. I don’t need that. I wonder if my therapist read my blog if he would re-think my being crazy claim. Its probably just a line all therapists use. I think  I even read some where on a blog or book that someones therapist said the same to them. So either we aren’t crazy, and all you who don’t think you are , are crazy, or its just something therapists are forced to say.

Its been a long and tiring day…And as I write this post I just remembered I found out Carrie Fisher, Princess Leia  from Star Wars, died. I did not know this when I went to buy the Star Wars Candy dispenser. Now I wonder if I should just hide it. Because giving something like that to a Star Wars fan after a very sad death could make someone upset. Or something. I think its strange that I was like, Hey I should buy my therapist a Star Wars Candy dispenser (he likes star wars, he always uses instances from star wars to prove a point sometimes, and well, yea,…. and when I was little my therapist used to give me candy at the end of each session….so I thought that would be totally cool, its a win win) and after I buy it i see everywhere the the Princess has died. I’m not sure what the proper etiquette is when gifting a gift to someone who’s  favorite movie just had a big actress die in real life.

In all fairness it may not be his FAVORITE movie. He just happens to reference it a lot. I just wanted there to be a darn candy dispenser there so I could have candy when I was done with my session, and here I am wondering if I would upset my therapist.

Okay, this post is getting ridiculous and off point but I am going to leave it as is to show you what its like to be in my head and how I stress about everything and that is part of my anxiety disorder. It also creates different issues for different disorders I have  but, yeah.

So I’m going to get a massage today. And its going to be really stress relieving. I hope.

Also… RIP Carrie Fisher.

xoxo – Amber

And Then She Followed Me…

So I followed My newest favorite books author, Jenny Lawson, AKA The Bloggess , on twitter. I also let her know that I have read her book Furiously Happy 4 times now (read previous post), like you let all celebrities know…But THEN SHE FOLLOWED ME BACK! AND SHE LIKED MY POST.   *Funny yay dance here* I was super excited! I had to let everyone know, because this doesn’t happen to me often…or ever… and, well, I felt so lucky that someone I thought was normal, and had similar issues as I do, (plus some different) was down to earth enough to follow me! To even acknowledge me! And to me, that is awesome. She is no Taylor Swift, or some other super famous actress, but she is still JUST as awesome in my book.

So while I work on my next post, go buy her book, preferably on audible, because she narrates it herself, but buy it, read it, and then follow her on all the social media sites. She is like the best friend that doesn’t judge you. (You can never have too many) Not to mention, she has a lot of run ins with opossums, although that is not really necessarily something that may come in handy if you don’t normally have much contact with opossums, but it does guarantee a laugh or a good story when you need it most! Even if you just read it online, or hear it in a book.

 

xoxo-Amber

4 Times

4 Times is how many times I have listened to Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson.  I do not usually read or listen to a book more than once to be honest,  but I find myself going back to this book. 4 Times in fact. This book is hilarious.  I feel like if I knew her in real life, we would be good friends.

The book is ridiculously odd and strange at some parts, and that is what makes me go back to it. I laugh out loud and sometimes find myself realizing that I can relate to how she feels. I do not share the same love or obsession for taxidermy,  but I would not be opposed to having a smiling racoon  (taxidermied) in ny house. That would create a lot of interesting conversations to say the least. 

I also relate to her battle with anxiety, depression, sleep issues (probably not the same sleep issues, but still) and interesting thoughts. I find her writings about her time at her therapists office both funny and sometimes I find myself saying “Oh my goodness, me too!” (not about squirrels though) Then my husband looks at me strangely and I take my headphones out and play him the part I am listening to. This usually ends with an even stranger look and I tell him hes the weird one for not finding it funny. He probably then questions my sanity…even more than usual. 

When I hear her funny stories about things she does to or with her cats, I find myself remembering the times I would dress my cats up, feed them from a bottle, and occasionally put them in a pet carrier with a rope tied to it and use it as an elevator for them to get on and off the porch. (Ask my mom if you don’t believe me. I was full of imagination.) (also, no cats were harmed physically during this…) I am pretty sure they liked my makeshift elevator. Although, my mom and sister probably disagree. But really, what do they know about cats and their love of makeshift elevators.

If this post has not convinced you to go buy Furiously Happy, then you are definately going to miss out on a good laugh, and also understanding how courageous it is for someone to make something good out of something “bad” like depression. 

xoxo – Amber

And Then There Were 4

Today was a rough day for me. I got up and realized I had nightmares the entire night. It was awful. Part of my nightmares were real. Part of them, just made up. I can not figure out why my subconscious and memory are working together to try to destroy me. I dont get it.

You would think that your body would work together to keep you rested, well-nurished, energetic, fit, healthy, sane and alive. No. Mine is trying to destroy my sanity, one minute at a time (on some days anyways). It is obviously oblivious to the toll that the stress and havoc my kids behavior has on me. Or maybe it is really just working WITH them to drive me insane. The verdict is still out on that.

After a long day of driving to and from appointments, one being therapy, my body decided I was not going to be of use for the remainder of the day. It decided that it would allow me to eat, but only a little. It would allow me to talk, but limited its subject matter so much, that I could really not talk much, so I don’t know if that even counts. So as all 5 of us sat at the dinner table discussing what needed to be done before Christmas (because NO ONE knows wants their house to look like some one actually LIVES in it….that’s just crazy talk. ) and when we would be decorating the tree.  – Side note, I have two step children, and trying to get my kids and my step kids all home at the same time, long enough to decorate a tree is pretty much like trying to get my chickens (now chicken) into their coup at night so nothing will eat them…or it…because something did eat one…in the pen though…so I don’t really know why I bother. But, that is why our tree is not yet decorated. – I finished my meal and told Jeff I needed to lie down because after a day of panic attacks, anxiety, and exhaustively painful talking, not to mention all the ways my body is trying to drive me insane – not a far drive! – I needed to relax and “unwind.” I have therapy again in the morning, so I need to recharge, or at least attempt, because I really don’t know if I believe I will wake up refreshed tomorrow either, but its worth a try.

After my statement, Jeff gave the girls THE LOOK. THE LOOK is really just a look that means “don’t go anywhere, I have work for you girls.” This look made me even more tired, and made the girls want to wish it was bedtime or something. Unloading the dishwasher is not only uncool, but tiring. Rounding up any stray dishes is just as awful. These things are close to some sort of horrible punishment, but no one gets hurt. Physically. They may be scarred for life, but, aren’t we all? I got my free pass, and I am pretty sure the girls hate me for it. What they don’t know, and I don’t know if my husband really even understands, is that I can only accomplish so much on days like today. I can only deal with so much on days like today. So while they see me as getting a “get out of jail free” card, it really is a “I have been in jail all day in my own mind, and I am so exhausted I could fall asleep even if it is only 6:30 pm. Bryce was also told to do some things, and so he finally decided that maybe he would eat all his food, or at least all he could slowly eat until there was nothing for him to do, the girls started on what needed to be done (after claiming they had ocd, then saying they meant the opposite of ocd, but frankly, you cant take back saying you have ocd when being asked to straighten something up…) Jeff also started doing some things, and I snuck away upstairs, to unwind, and write this post. So. The downstairs kitchen went from 5….. to 4. And I will not be ashamed of that. Because I hate dishes anyways.

xoxo-Amber

 

About a girl who took a chance on friendship…

I recently went to a treatment center to deal with some issues that arose and some diagnoses that were affected due to issues. This post is not about those things, I’ll save those issues for another post.

When I went to the treatment center I decided I would let some friends and family know where I was going. I left new friends and some old friends and some of my family know where I was going specifically, the address and gave them a little bit of a reason why I was going. I asked them to write if they could, because I didn’t know how long I would be gone for.

Weeks before this happened, I had met this awesome girl at a Younique dinner I had attended. She had recently became a presenter, like I am, and we had a group dinner and she was there with her cousin. I included her in the message on Facebook, explaining where I was going and somewhat  why I was going and the address and that I would love to receive letters and I would write back. Considering this girl was someone that I met one time and one time only and I didn’t talk to her much because there was a lot of talking going on in general between others, and we weren’t really sitting in a position that we could talk, when we did talk, it was not so much a get to know you things, but Younique related.

While at the center I received mail and I received a letter  from this one person that I had met once and barely spoke to. I did not receive mail from others in the group,  although I did receive mail from one good friend and also some great ladies from my Bible study, plus my awesome sister in law. My husband also sent me a letter, but he doesn’t count because I feel like that should be a given, although I totally totally appreciated his letter.

Writing letters is very old school, and I feel like no one does it anymore. It’s,  like, weird. But here is this amazing girl who met me once, who decided to send me a letter. She also included a self addressed stamped envelope and paper for me to return her letter on. And she didn’t just write a “Hey, how are you? Hope things are well, and you’re   not completely insane  and going to stalk me since I wrote and you now have my address. Get better soon.” No,  She wrote to me and she wanted to know more about me, and not just about my diagnosis but about me!  What I like to do, what I enjoy, what type of books I enjoyed. She seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person and not so much interested in what was wrong with me or why I was where I was. This just blew my mind because I didn’t receive letters from others in the group who knew more about my situation, but I did her. And I’m not knocking the people who did not write to me, because there could have been many reasons why they did not. But what I am saying is, this person took their time to write to me and to ask about me as a person. This does not happen often, so when this happens you know that you have someone in your life now that is awesome and amazing and you want them there. So I wrote back, late, because I was super busy at this place and going through a lot and didn’t have much time. But I did write back and I sent it back to her and she wrote back. By the time she wrote back I was already on my way “out” so it was forwarded to me. But the fact that she took the time to write me a letter, someone that she did not know and someone that she could have cared less about possibly but decided to care about was amazing and actually made my heart smile and made me feel loved and I only knew her name to be honest. I knew that she didn’t live close to me. I knew that she joined Younique.

In her letter she included her story, about her son and her step daughter and her marriage and things that she liked to do and it was like we were pen pals because this girl lived far away and I had met her once and she wanted to know about me. Like I said this does not happen very often in your life so when it does you write back and you tell the person what they want to know because you want to know more about this person for even taking the time and effort to get to know you.

It’s amazing and awesome. I could not be more blessed than I am now. I could have been some  fireball drinking- passenger side singing- let’s go traumatize our eyes at the ballet crazy girl! Wait, I am. Well. anyways, bad singing and all, this girl is still my friend…and our story is just starting.

xoxo-Amber

Dance Partner (Nutcracker Side 2)

They say there are 2 sides to every story, right? In my opinion, that doesn’t always mean there is a right or wrong side; or a truthful or non-truthful side. People tell stories based on what they see, how it makes them feel, how it changes them. I am the person that gets life-changing epiphanies at the most random and seemingly non-monumental moments. This moment in time, the Nutcracker date, was just that for me. So… here’s my side:

Going out with friends is a pretty normal Saturday night thing, right? Wrong. Not for me. I got married, had a baby, all those life changing things and found that I lost all my friends along the way. Not only did I lose them but I felt that I was incapable of getting them back or that they wouldn’t want me back after the road that I took to get where I am. Needless to say, this “normal” double date thing, scared the living hell out of me. I was terrified. What if they don’t like me? What if I’m my normal super awkward self? What if my husband is a grump? What if I screw this up?  I went from “oh this will be so much fun” to “this is life or death, I’m done for” in a matter of minutes. It felt like I was jumping into a shark tank wearing floaties. I am not prepared to speak to adults. I talk to a 1 year old every day all day. What do adults even do together? What do they talk about? See how annoying that is? That’s my brain, every day. But anyway…

Amber gave you the Nutcracker details, white paint and all. So let’s skip that part. Somewhere in between all the laughter, the crab dip (best crab dip ever), walking around downtown Frederick, drinking too much, sharing our thoughts and crazy stories, I fell in love with this couple.

I believe in soulmates. And not just “lover” soulmates, I believe in 2 souls that were meant to find each other. For the purpose of survival, sanity, clarity, whatever. In those moments, my life and mindset were changing. I could feel it. It was an overwhelming joy, it was this feeling of finding something that I had been looking and looking for and almost gave up. But there it was. Right infront of me, the answer to the pain that I’ve felt, the loneliness I’ve felt because I couldn’t find someone that understood my past, the desperation I’ve accumulated over the years of fighting this alone. All that in this beautiful, blonde haired-fireball drinking-passenger side singing-crazy lady. How in the world did I live without her!? I realized that night that I don’t have to numb everything to escape my past. I have been searching for a way to get some sort of relief from my pain and the nightmares and the anxiety. I thought all along I had to cover it up, drown myself in alcohol, whatever I felt would numb it. I needed them. I needed my husband, Amber, and her husband. It clicked for me that night. And I will never forget it.

We may have frightened our husbands, annoyed the crap out of them, or both. But even when they look at us like we are out of our minds, I’ll still dance with you ❤

Being sick sucks.

So recently I have not been feeling well. I’ve been feeling really crappy. And I am now starting my second dose of antibiotics even though I don’t think I need them. Doctors tend to try and push medicines in your throat to get you out of their office.

To be fair I made the appointment and went to their office, so I don’t know what I was expecting them to do,  but I feel like I should be feeling better by now. And I’m not, so I’m on my second round. They prescribed me a refill to the first antibiotic, so I question whether or not they think the first round was even needed and/or would work.

Not feeling well has put me in a really crappy situation. This is not the week to not feel well. This is the worst week to not feel well. I have so much going on this week with work, younique , and a vendor event .  No one wants a snotty and germy person around,  and frankly I don’t want to be around people. That’s the thing about being sick, you don’t want to be around people and people really don’t want you to be around them,cl unless they are your employer, then they want you around regardless of what’s going on because they have a show to run. 

I have this theory that if people would stay home when they’re not feeling well and genuinely sick, then we would not spread all the times that we share with other people. I’m all for sharing, except for when it comes to germ and diseases and viruses. Although I’m not sure you can share diseases. That’s not true, you totally can. And I’m totally against that.

The moral of the story and this post is, stay home unless you absolutely have to leave the house. And if you have to leave the house wear a mask, bring hand sanitizer, and just stay away from people. Problem solved. Now go get your vaccinations. Or don’t. I’m against those somewhat. But that is a whole different post.

                       xoxo- Amber

ps. This post was brought to you by NyQuil and talk to text. All strange things said and grammatical errors are not my fault.